Sunday, April 26, 2009

Growing up Polish

What a revelation, to be 8 or 10 years old and figure out that you have been the brunt of the jokes about everything that anyone stupid would do. It’s absolutely devastating to learn it is going to take you and 4 friends to change a light bulb when you get old enough to do it! Then you find out that some of the kid’s are public’s and don’t’ have to go to Catholic Schools and wear the stupid little uniforms. No I did not have to wear the skirt since I am a guy but we had to wear shirts and ties and be perfect little gentlemen or else the big bad Nun would kick your butt or hit your hand with the ruler or paddle your ass with a ping pong paddle. Not that anything like that happened to me but I heard about it!

OK so let’s get to the point. Polish families back when I was growing up were normally huge. This is why I cannot really figure how many cousins I have. Ok my dad came from a family of 13. (Bakers Dozen, go figure my grandpa was a baker) My mom came from a family of seven. Now they all had kids and now their kids have had kids and even some of the kids’ kids have had kids. I was not joking in a previous article when I said it could be 500 or so. That is not counting my grandfathers and grandmothers brothers and sisters who had kids and etc… I would probably not recognizer 90% of my cousins if I just saw them on the street.

Most Polish people were devote Catholics which is why we all went to the Catholic Schools and had to wear the funky uniforms. That is also the reason for the huge families, since devote Catholics follow the strict Catholic orders they did not use birth control, but loved to screw. So therefore they just like popped out a kid every year right after the wife was done giving birth to the previous one. This went on and on every year for what seems like forever until they just could not have any anymore.

With so many kids around there were bound to the Weddings, yes the Polish Wedding just one of the many reasons we have thought up of to get drunk. Polish people get drunk whenever we have an occasion to, weddings, funerals, birthday parties, graduation parties. We probably went to some kind of party every week. However, the best ere the Weddings, a good Polish Wedding could last for days. It would start the Friday of the Wedding and go until sometime on Sunday or whenever all the booze ran out. As a kid you would have to watch out for the older Aunts at the Weddings because since there was a band, there were Polka’s. Yes, they would grab you right out of your seat, and say let’s Polka. All of all sudden you are on the dance floor listening and dancing to crap like “She’s’ to fat for me Polka” or” Beer barrel Polka” or the “I’m gonna puke on the floor soon Polka” Well anyway these old Aunts would pretty much just drag you around the dance floor and make sure you learned how to Polka because every good little Polish boy needs to learn how to Polka so he can dance with his Polish Wife at their Polish wedding which would also last for days. So we would go to Wedding and Polka and drink. Back then, it was no issue drinking a beer or something at a young age, you would just go the bar and order for the table and get yourself one too.. Hell, we were Polish and that’s what we did, we drank. Of course it was always in moderation (yeah right).

I could never figure it out, but we always had a party after a funeral, everyone would be somber during church and then we would go to a banquet hall and eat and drink in memory of the deceased. There would always be a toast. But then we would go back to our business of eating and drinking in memory of our lost loved one. I guess maybe since so much time was spent doing that during one’s life that it is the best way to talk about the memories. Well enough of the somberness.

There was always food everywhere, we knew how to eat and did the sausages, and pierogi and sauerkraut and soups and beef and this and that and this and that. Always a celebration. It was so loud at most of the parties on purpose because all the food was so gassy it made you fart. But no one heard the farts because there was so much noise and no one complained about the smell because they were farting too. So we danced and ate and drank and farted all the way through growing up.

Yes. There are a thousand stories I can tell and go on and on about being and growing up Polish. But I’ll wait for another time as the light bulb just went out in my computer room and I have to call the guys so they can turn the ladder.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Irritating Stuff

One of my 500 or so cousins was talking the other day about some lady in her office with high heels on that made load noises whenever she walked around. Was she doing it on purpose? Did she know she was making that noise? Well yes of course she did, people are most often irritating on purpose because they either want to get attention or want to piss you off. Then again, there are those who have no clue they are being irritating because they are just too dumb or self involved to realize that what they are doing effects other people.

I don’t know about you but there is a myriad of stiff that irritates me (and I am not talking about being irritated where you are scratching where people don’t want to see you scratching) It would take forever to go through the entire list of stuff that irritates me and pisses me off about others behavior so I will just go with a couple here. Do you remember the sound of fingernails scratching the blackboard in school or the sound of metal scraping the concrete. Those were irritating sound but not necessarily irritating habits. Gum popping irritates the hell out of me. Just like I would like to have told my cousin to shove the high heels up that lady’s butt, I would like to take the gum from gum poppers and put it in the hair. Yeah now that would be irritating for them to get that gum out of their hair. Call me vindictive but I say and eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth a heel in the butt and gum in the hair. Now not to get into a battle, my wife occasional forgets this bothers me and pops her gum. I will not put the gum in her hair because she would then kick my ass and I don’t want that to happen.

I think one of the most irritating things that can happen are interruptions when you are doing something no matter what it is that you are doing. You totally lose your concentration and often times your complete train of thought when this happens. Of course many people have said I never have ever had a complete thought in my head and that is so true because people won’t leave me alone and then I forget what my thought was when they ask me what I was doing or thinking about. DUUHHH.

Yes it makes anyone look like a complete dumbass. My answer to this is to turn it completely around on the person who interrupted you to make them look like a dumbass and feel embarrassed. So, the next time you are interrupted by some stupid ass fool who has no regard for the genius of thought that you are currently working on you have to get them back. Now that will all depend upon the situation you are in.
Let’s do a scenario here. Ok you are the boss and are working on a project in your office. Someone comes to the door and interrupts you. Look at them and say, hang on one second I was just working on this memo about your insubordination and I want to complete it before we talk. Ok now, what was that you wanted you stupid ignorant SOB.

Another irritating thing is people who do not let you get a word in edgewise and talk over you even though you started before them. I think you should start talking about the affair you are having with his wife or her husband or whatever to try and catch them off guard. I don’t know, again I am just babbling out loud here. Oh no!! Here is another one. People who babble about nothing and actually don’t know anything or anything about the topic that they are talking about. That is when I just make shit up about their topic and pretend I am an expert just to shut them dumb asses up. Yes I know all about thermo nuclear physical therapy methods and their use in correcting lower back spasms. It is because the thermometer reaches a certain temperature when heated up in the nuclear elements used in the backspectangular that we treat the lower back with. Yeah… see what they say about that one.

Some stuff irritating to one is not irritating to others. So I say let’s all just irritate the hell out of each other as we do everyday anyway, but just don’t put up with that crap. Come up with a way to get back at that irritating person. Remember were Mad as Hell and were not going to take it anymore!!!!
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