Sunday, November 30, 2008

Tax Free Gun Sale Weekend in SC

Now, I should probably be the last person in the world to write anything about guns, but my motto is if a reader requests a topic that I will write on it and make it humorous, so here it goes.

In July the SC General assembly voted to have its’ First Annual Second Amendment Sales Tax Holiday, This holiday allowed for tax free sales of firearms on the weekend following Thanksgiving. The results of this Sale were greeted enthusiastically by gun purchasers and sales were heavy this weekend wherever you could buy guns especially pawn shops. I guess if you look at it, why not, most criminals buy their guns on the black market and do not pay taxes anyway, so why not let us have the chance to also not pay taxes to buy guns to protect ourselves against the guys who buy guns without paying taxes to kill us and rob us and all the other crimes that are associated with firearms.

I am not sure what other states besides SC and NC have tax free gun sales at all or even for a weekend, but I do have to remember that I am in South Carolina and things are different here than in the rest of the populated portions the USA. The “war” is still not over yet according to some people you talk to, they still make moonshine in the mountains, a sport started out of moonshine running racers, dentists are not a common doctor that most people see, and last but not least they feel they have to own a gun. Now when you talk to some of the people here (that is if you can understand them to begin with) they will tell you that the reason they need guns is for “huntin”. (no g’s are ever pronounced in SC) I am not exactly sure why killing things is such an important part of life down here, but people take off of work during deer season to get up extremely early in the morning to sit in a frickin tree all day waiting for their chance to shoot some unexpecting Bambi. The really do not want the Bambi’s though they want the Bucks so they can then show off their manhood by mounting the frickin antlers and putting them up on their wall as a trophy. Yep that’s right I am a redneck deer killer. What a great statement and a tradition to be carried on by their grandchildren. I’ll tell you where I would like to put those antlers.

I mentioned a sport starting form moonshining. The official definition of NASCAR is National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. My own definition of this is North and South Carolina Assholes Racing. Yep the only reason this got its’ start was to run moonshine through the mountains without getting caught. It’s a shame these boys make millions from something that was started by a bunch of rednecks in the mountains. Yee Haaaaaa let’s buy some guns so we can shoot at the guys trying to get our moonshine, but make sure it is on Tax Free Day.
Now back to our main topic I guess this is the SC way to stimulate the economy because they sell so many guns that the tax money saved by not paying the taxes for one day will be so much it will stimulate the economy out of recession. How about a Tax Free Car Day, hey what an idea, stimulate sales for an industry that needs one, and give up the tax money for a weekend so that those buying a car can afford a few extra tanks of gas taking road trips and spending some of that extra money But then again who am I to say what tax money to give away and what the regular guy would really want in terms of a tax savings.

I like to stay away from politics and religion in my weekly comments here, so I will leave the issue of the economy alone and go back to Guns. I think the next tax free should be a fishin stuff (another word with no G in the south) It is the same premise and used for killing things just like the guns. The only difference is that people can’t be shot with fishin stuff but they can with guns.

Ok now, criminals wouldn’t get their guns from regular shops anyway, it is mostly black market. Now what if were to tax the Black Market, we know it’s there and no one gives a damn about it anyway because law enforcement officials continue to let them exist. So I say we hire Mafia type guys who know the Blank Market guys anyway to go in there as if they were collecting a bad debt for a bookie and get the taxes from them. If not, they can break their legs or something like that. If worse comes to worse they could even threaten them with the guns they paid no taxes on during the Second Amendment Tax Free Weekend.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Spam,spam,spam,spam

The 4 word sequence made infamous by the Monty Python sketch which was a spoof of the product made by Hormel in whichever everybody loves with everything especially at the diner in the spoof where Spam is served in any and every type of possible combination. Believe it or not, it was this song that actually coined the phrase “spam” for junk email. It is just like the people in the song, it pops up all the time and is extremely repetitive and irritating.

I hate Spam, we all hate spam. You know, the stuff that fills your E-mail In Box over and over again with messages that no one apparently really wants or cares about. But think about it, someone actually does buy those pills because he wants that thicker penis to satisfy his woman. Good for you buddy! But mine is fine!! It’s probably the same guy that buys the Viagra specials from Canada, yes we have certified doctors to write your prescription right now. You can use that guaranteed loan to get you 100% debt free to pay for either of these products along with the course as to how to be a multi-millionaire in 5 minutes or less. If that does not work just remember that your are the next of kin to someone you do not know that recently died in some remote part of the world and you have 60 Million coming to you if you send half of it back to someone you do not know.

If you think about it, the world of advertising is nothing but a barrage of spam that infiltrates our life almost constantly. Here is a normal condensed day which shows all the instances of spam for most people. You wake up in the morning and turn on the television or radio and you immediately get commercials. Are commercials spam? Well it is a message that you necessarily do not want to hear. Think about late night sports programming and late night television, this is where you really get hit with the most spam advertising, junk over and over again and infomercials. Anyway back to the morning when you are in the car listening to sports talk radio as I mentioned, it is over and over the same message. OK you finally get to work and turn on your computer check emails and wow… I let my junk mailbox fill up for one week without dumping it and there were over 500 that went directly into it, this does not count the ones that got through the filter and I just hit delete. It just pisses me off because it takes so much extra time to get to the messages I really want. OK now, you are on your way home from work and listening to sports radio again. You go to the mailbox and get a bunch of junk mail with no relevance, Now you get home finally wanting to relax and it is of your wife(not my wife) constantly telling you to do things over and over and over again.

Spam, spam, spam, spam.

I know that was a low shot and really was not meant to offend anybody, but think about it. If Spam really is about unwanted repetitive messages it is in our lives on a constant basis. Think about how our kids feel when we tell them to clean their rooms over and over again. I guess that is why they wear their IPODS all the time so they do not have to listen to I’m sure what they consider to be Spam from us. Why do they have IPODS in the first place? It is because of the repetitive advertising that made them want them and talk us into getting it for them because we did not want to hear their SPAM anymore about wanting an IPOD. And the list goes on and on and on and on.

Yes, that’s right I could go on about Spam for hours but that would be more spam to you, so I will finally stop this rant to have breakfast. Yep you guessed it Spam and Eggs.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

2:00 AM Feeding Frenzies

The bars are all closed and you could did not go home with that guy or gal you thought you would all night, now it is just you and your friends. (Again) So what are you going to do now, the 4:00 AM bar is too far for you to drive back after drinking some more and you would still be by yourself anyway.

So, what else to do but eat!! Yep, that’s right the Waffle House’s busiest time of the night. After 2:00AM rejected drunks feeding frenzy. They don’t even notice that most of the waitresses there have no teeth, they don’t care, and they just want to soak up that alcohol with grease and slurringly recap the night.

It really doesn’t matter whether it’s Waffle House, Huddle House, House of Pancakes, White Castle, Krystal’s or many others their main focus after 2:00 AM on the weekends is for drunks to come in and try to sober up by drinking coffee and eating whatever greasy substance they can put down their stomachs without throwing up. Not that anyone has ever thrown up in any of those places at that time of night. I normally would at least step outside before I puked on the side of the building. I mean that is the courteous drunk thing to do, at least this way no one has to clean it up or it could be hosed down in the morning.

There was place in Charlotte once upon time called Hugo’s (not sure if it is still open as this was at least 15 yrs ago). They had what I thought were the best greasiest pork chops and eggs in the world. At least that is what I used to slur during many of the conversations I had there. The reason they were what I thought were the best pork chops is that no one knew for sure if they were really pork chops or not, but they did soak up the grease.

It is amazing the types of people you see in these places early in the morning. Of course, there are the ones who have been out drinking, but then again there are those that have been working like strippers, prostitutes, pimps, etc…. What a diverse and eccentric group of people all gathered in one place to end an evening. I also remember one evening when some very attractive women had walked into Hugo’s and I said to my friend. Hey, Chris look at ober dere ad dose women, ya know I’ve shene r neked. Yes, I had recognized them from a club I had been at but that’s not the point. The point is to understand and talk in the language called slurish. Yes, slurish in that language we talk to each other in at 2:00 AM in the morning and we each understand one another, because everyone else is as drunk as you. It doesn’t matter if you are talking to the table next to you or the cashier they all understand the language at 2:00 AM.
I know we can all go on and on with our personal stories on this and the names of different places we each favored during those years of drinking and slurring and puking and sleeping and then doing it again all over the next night.

The only argument you could ever get into at that time of night with your friends is, “Wherewe goanna eat? To me it just didn’t matter, but the ultimate name of one of these places should be “ Drunks R Us”

Think about it for a second, we have a Toy’s r us, Babies R us… why not a Drunks R us. This could be a multifunctional gathering place for those who like to stay out after 2:00 AM. It could have specially equipped rest rooms with drains and hoses so that the puke could easily be washed down at any time in case you do not make it outside. It could also still serve more alcohol up until 4:00 AM for those who have not yet had enough. I would also make it a low so it would be a No Cop Zone, this way they do not try to follow our drunk asses out of the special gathering place reserved for us. Lastly, it would have cots for rent in a separate part of the building so we can sleep it off and then wake up in a place where we can start all over again.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

My Country Music Song

I was reading through the list of the top 20 Country music songs the other day while bored on a flight from Charlotte to Detroit. I never really have taken any type of interest in country music because I normally associate it with drinking, and lost lovers and being down in the dumps by someone’s trailer home after being driven home in their old pick-up. Anyway I read through the list of songs and had a revelation that I could actually write a country music song by inter mixing the titles of the songs into my song.

So anyway I have no clue what I am about to get myself into but here are the songs in the order from the newspaper article along with the artist that performs the song.

1) Just a Dream – Carrie Underwood
2) She Never Cried In Front of Me – Toby Keith
3) Everybody Wants to go to – Kenny Chesnee
4) Love Story- Taylor Swift
5) Let It Go – Tim McGraw
6) Chicken Fried – Zac Brown Band
7) Roll With Me – Montgomery Gentry
8) Already Gone – Sugarland
9) I’ll Walk – Bucky Covington
10) Country Man – Luke Bryan
11) Here – Rascal Flatts
12) Start a Band – Brad Paisler w/ Keith Urban
13) Love Remembers – Craig Morgan
14) All I Ever Wanted – Chuck Wicks
15) In Color – Jamey Johnson
16) Lookin For a Good Time – Lady Antebellum
17) Don’t – Billy Currington
18) Country Boy – Allan Jackson
19) She Wouldn’t be Gone – Blake Shelton
20) Feel That Fire – Dierks Bentley

Ok now there was the list of the 20 songs on the USA Today list for this week and here is my country music song!!!!


I was a lonely “Country Boy” and it was “Just a Dream”
“All I ever wanted” was to “start a band”
My friends all said “Don’t” “Let it Go” but I just couldn’t
“Feel that Fire” anymore , the dream was “Already Gone”, “Already Gone”

I met her one night at the trailer park
“Just lookin for a good time”
She said she wanted to “roll with me”
We went to the back of my single wide
It was the beginning of our “Love Story”

My girl was upset that my dream was gone
But “she never cried in front of me”
We drank whiskey and beer and watched “In Color” TV
And we made love while our “Chicken Fried” on the fire

I was a lonely “Country Boy” and it was “Just a Dream”
“All I ever wanted” was to “start a band”
My friends all said “Don’t” “Let it Go” but I just couldn’t
“Feel that Fire” anymore , the dream was “Already Gone”, “Already Gone”

“I’ll walk” most nights just wondering how my band would sing
The songs I’d write about her now,
cuz if I’d done it before “She wouldn’t be gone”
She’d be right “here” drinking some beer

“Everybody wants to go to” the old place where we could bring
our guitars, some whiskey and women and really just sing
Now that would make me a “Country Man”
and finally I would start my band

OK now, it is not going to be a gold record but it did include all the song titles. Try it yourself if you wish and just post it in my comments sections. I have to admit it was a little harder than I originally thought but I all had to do was put on my mullet wig , grab a Fred Flinstone Jelly Glass and fill it with some Jack and Pepsi, and took a couple sips, chased it with some PBR and....instantaneously I was able to think and write like a redneck which led to the song. YEE HAAA