Did you ever wonder why they call plastic surgery “plastic” when no plastic is even involved in any of the numerous procedures which fall into this category? There really is a legitimate reason and then there is Ed’s reason. So I guess just to set the record straight, the word "plastic" derives from the Greek "plastikos" meaning to mold or to shape. So to follow logic Plastic Surgeons are molding or shaping body parts which is why it is called Plastic Surgery.
Of course there are real medical reasons for plastic surgery to take care of those people who have been injured, burned, disfigured and many other serious reasons and this article in no way is made to ridicule those types of surgeries.
To me plastic is associated with fake, not real. Kind of like the term he is a plastic person. That means not a real person but a fake plastic person. Follow me now, plastic surgery is not a fake surgery but a real surgery since they use knives and stitches and off the other stuff that if not done right will have you looking like Frankenstein or his bride. But I am of the belief that it is called plastic surgery because of the plastic people it is performed on. These people are fakes and want to keep on perpetuating their fakeness. Fake boobs, fake asses, fake lips and fake pecs the list goes on and on.
The most common form of plastic surgery is really called cosmetic surgery and this is the one that we will discuss in today’s class. Yeah, right, I just wanted to sound like a teacher for a second. Tell me what is cosmetic about getting your boobs made bigger. Cosmetic to me is changing the ways things look. Yes boobs can be made to look bigger or smaller (I prefer bigger myself) and they can also be lifted and tucked and made firmer and all that stuff. But is it really cosmetic? For it to be cosmetic would really mean that everyone can see. Well yeah, I can half see, but when I ask a lady who has just had a boob job if I can see I normally get slapped in the face. I just wanted to admire the handiwork of the surgeon in case I decided to get my wife some I would know which Doctors to go to and which not to go to. But no, I get slapped.
I was in New York earlier this year at a conference with a few colleagues. We had some adult beverages that evening and at some point in the night one of my colleagues was telling a group of women that we were there on a convention of plastic surgeons and that my specialty was breast augmentation. He did not say we were actually doctors but just that I was an expert at breasts. I guess I say I qualify cause I have definitely seen my share of them in my lifetime ( mostly at gentleman’s clubs… yeah right ) Well, all of a sudden, I became a super hero the rest of the night and just started talking about breasts. You would not believe how many hot little 20 year olds wanted to discuss their breasts. Now, always being the gentleman I did not take this to any other level like saying let me see or anything like that while we were at the bars. So we decided to go to a men’s club to critique the work that was done by various people. You know there were literally thousands of dollars of augmentations that were right there in one bar which shows you the lucrative nature of these so called optional surgeries.
Now, I have been thinking about this topic since it was suggested last week and I came up with a song about augmented breasts and it is sung to the tune of the “Armour Hot Dog Song” . You remember it, Hot Dogs Armour Hot Dogs, etc.
Fake Breasts , Men love Fake Breasts
All kinds of men love those Fake Breasts
Big Breasts, Little Breasts, Breasts that are really firm
C cups, D Cups, They’re the ones that make us squirm
Fake Breasts, Men love Fake Breasts
The Breasts men love to ……....
Ok sorry about that I just got carried away for a second in getting to talk about breasts. I bet you thought I was going to use a different work that rhymed with firm. Your mind is sicker than mine. And yes, I left that last work blank on purposes because there are so many things men love to do with breasts. Oh no here I go again.. OK, I will stop about that now and talk about asses.
That’s right fake asses, just like our politicians in Washington and most of the people in Hollywood. I guess the way they refer to the procedure is a “butt lift” or “butt augmentation". Anyway they take fat and inject into your ass to help shape your body so your ass matches the rest of your body and they perform liposuction at the same time. So basically they are redistributing the fat in your ass.
Ok, nice asses are good to look at but the only functionality that a normal persons ass has is to take a huge dump and provide cushioning when we sit. It kind of contrasts with the asses is Washington that kind of just sit there but are not functional at all.
Lastly, let’s talk about Hollywood. If I were to do my career all over again I want to be a plastic surgeon in Hollywood, or maybe even just Joan Rivers plastic surgeon, I bet he made a living just on her. These people are so vain, they are the one Carly Simon wrote about in her song.
The amount of different types of cosmetic surgeries in Hollywood is amazing as they seek to be the perfect person in that perfect city of perfect people. These perfect people think just because they look good that their fame should lead them to be leaders or influences of leaders in our government. Just think of it this way, if more Hollywood patients of plastic surgeons who have had butt augmentation ran for the House of Representative or the Senate then we could be sure to have the perfect ass in Washington.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Rednecks ooppss meant to say Mullets...
Sorry about the title, I got confused since the two go so much hand in hand, I forgot which one I was asked to write about this week. Yes, you got it, the fashion statement of the century; the mullet.
When I think of a mullet the first thing that comes to mind is David Spade playing “Joe Dirt”. In my opinion one of the frickin funniest movies I have ever seen because it is the stereotype personified. It’s strange the way our minds associate peoples personalities, intelligence or in this case lack of due to a physical appearance or a terrible mistake in judgment by thinking this haircut looks cool.
OK now for those of you who may be saying “What is a mullet” I want to know what rock you have been hiding under all your life. But just to be fair a “mullet” is a type of hairstyle which is short or cropped in the front and side and is long in the back. They seem to have had the majority of their popularity in the 80’s and early 90’s and basically South of the Mason Dixon line in the US., although some misguided people in other areas are sometimes seen with this illness also. You would think the opposite, long hair means it keeps things warmer so it makes sense that it would be popular if anyplace in the northern states. But this proves my theory on the intellectual powers of people who have mullets since they are in the south where long hair would typically be a problem due to the heat, but these people are so dumb they don’t think that way, they just let the back of their hair grow and grow and grow.
I have 2 theories that the length of the hair is proportionate to the lack of intelligence exhibited by mullet wearing people.
1) Having a mullet in the southern regions causes a type of heatstroke during the summer months which then affects their brains ability to think and react to the world in a normal manner
2) When mullet people are sleeping at night, the hair becomes alive and starts` to wrap itself around the necks of all people who have mullets. This causes a lack of oxygen to their brains which leads to the same effect as above
In addition to mullet people having delusional thoughts that this hairstyle actually looks good, mullets cause the behavior of mullet people to become extremely offensive to others, this includes
· drinking alcohol to excess ( this is to help them forget they have mullets)
· decreasing levels of intelligence on a daily basis ( due to alcohol consumption and the lack of oxygen as noted in theory 2)
· terrible hygiene (they forget to bathe due to the brain deterioration)
In closing I would like to leave you with a little know fact on mullets that maybe will one day be a Jeopardy question or something like that. A mullet is also a type of fish. It is often called a shit fish because when waste is dumped overboard from Navy ships the mullet is the first fish to the scene to eat it. I have just had a revelation, the fact is, most mullet people smell like shit and look like shit and that a mullet haircut is a piece of shit so it just makes sense that a mullet fish would eat shit.
When I think of a mullet the first thing that comes to mind is David Spade playing “Joe Dirt”. In my opinion one of the frickin funniest movies I have ever seen because it is the stereotype personified. It’s strange the way our minds associate peoples personalities, intelligence or in this case lack of due to a physical appearance or a terrible mistake in judgment by thinking this haircut looks cool.
OK now for those of you who may be saying “What is a mullet” I want to know what rock you have been hiding under all your life. But just to be fair a “mullet” is a type of hairstyle which is short or cropped in the front and side and is long in the back. They seem to have had the majority of their popularity in the 80’s and early 90’s and basically South of the Mason Dixon line in the US., although some misguided people in other areas are sometimes seen with this illness also. You would think the opposite, long hair means it keeps things warmer so it makes sense that it would be popular if anyplace in the northern states. But this proves my theory on the intellectual powers of people who have mullets since they are in the south where long hair would typically be a problem due to the heat, but these people are so dumb they don’t think that way, they just let the back of their hair grow and grow and grow.
I have 2 theories that the length of the hair is proportionate to the lack of intelligence exhibited by mullet wearing people.
1) Having a mullet in the southern regions causes a type of heatstroke during the summer months which then affects their brains ability to think and react to the world in a normal manner
2) When mullet people are sleeping at night, the hair becomes alive and starts` to wrap itself around the necks of all people who have mullets. This causes a lack of oxygen to their brains which leads to the same effect as above
In addition to mullet people having delusional thoughts that this hairstyle actually looks good, mullets cause the behavior of mullet people to become extremely offensive to others, this includes
· drinking alcohol to excess ( this is to help them forget they have mullets)
· decreasing levels of intelligence on a daily basis ( due to alcohol consumption and the lack of oxygen as noted in theory 2)
· terrible hygiene (they forget to bathe due to the brain deterioration)
In closing I would like to leave you with a little know fact on mullets that maybe will one day be a Jeopardy question or something like that. A mullet is also a type of fish. It is often called a shit fish because when waste is dumped overboard from Navy ships the mullet is the first fish to the scene to eat it. I have just had a revelation, the fact is, most mullet people smell like shit and look like shit and that a mullet haircut is a piece of shit so it just makes sense that a mullet fish would eat shit.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Reality TV
It is amazing to see the absolutely ridiculous things that people will do for money and their 15 ++ minutes of Fame. Now that is not to say that all Reality TV is stupid and mindless. (Are we talking about those who participate or those who view or both?)
If you think about it, the enormity of the popularity of these types of shows it is utterly ridiculous. There are entire Websites totally dedicated to reviewing each episode of every single reality type show that has ever come across the screen or proposed to come across the screen. On one website it lists every single reality show and I counted a total of 605 although my number may be wrong and most of these have been produced since 2000. Wow, tells you a lot about our society. People get entertainment out of watching other people in most cases make total fools of themselves and losing their own self respect for sometimes not much money at all unless they actually win a prize.
You can say that the old TV Game Shows like “What’s My Line” and stuff like that were really the early predecessors of today’s total saturation of television with these types of nonsense shows. Those shows in my eyes were fun, innocent and clean and I really think the pure game show will always have a place on TV.
This all started to explode when the writers went on strike one year and the networks had to come up with some stuff to fill time slots without boring all of us with reruns forever…. So, let’s get some people together and put them in the middle of frickin nowhere on a island to play stupid games and argue with each other, and vote people off until we have one left….. and then let’s give them a bunch of money. Then when they are done with this show, they can get on another show so to keep their 15 minutes of fame running and running and running. That’s right, there are a lot of reality TV Show participant whores, and they just go from one show to another to another. That’s not only with the contest type shows but also what I call the self promoting shows and especially true with C and D list celebrities. (However on a personal note I do love Kathy Griffin- fellow Chicago person and I am not Gay)
Actually, there are all types and kinds of reality shows that are on network and cable channels with some being interesting and others just plain frickin stupid.
Let’s start with what are really close to documentaries in episodes, these I can’t really make fun of because they are the ones I enjoy the most. Shows like Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers. I am cool with those because you actually see a type of life that you would not experience otherwise. I guess they are now trying to differentiate themselves a bit by calling themselves a different genre which is not reality but actuality.
Next on my descending scale of coolness are the shows like Mythbusters, Dirty Jobs, etc.. These are also good in my book because you can actually learn things from these shows although the hosts and co-hosts are somewhat eccentric and stunts can be funny, all in all I do not think they insult the intelligence of the average American as do the others types which will be coming up shortly.
I tried to come up with a name for the next group and all I could come up with were “Self Help Shows”. You know stuff like “The Nanny” where a British accented lady shows us that we do not know how to control or raise our own kids and she has to do it for the people on the show. Personally I would like to see a show called “Nanny” where a hot 20 year old co-ed seduces the husband of the family she is working for. “Oh wait, that is on the movie channels in hotels”
Ok, now we start to get to the good stuff (in my eyes because I can make so much fun of the crap I am going to be writing about next) let’s start off with what I call The Self Promotion Show. You may say “What?” You know what I am talking about, this is a washed up celebrity or family or something like that that decides to have cameras follow them around to see what they do during the course of a day. These are shows like ”The Ashley Simpson Show”, “Being Bobby Brown”, “Tommy Lee Goes to College”, “Hey Paula”, etc. Who really frickin cares? A whole bunch of people evidently. They keep making more and more of this crap. Is this real life for these people of the shows, I seriously doubt it; some of it has to be put on because they are being followed by frickin cameras everywhere they go. I don’t know about you, but when a camera is on me at home or anywhere I tend to ham it up a bit. I normally will give a thumbs up or the finger or something to the camera. Yep, I am 100% sure this is really a chronicle of their real life. . .. NOT... But really who cares what the frick they do, I do not and don’t care to see people who make tons more money than I can ever imagine making crying on TV over the fact that their pet poodle took a crap in their yard as opposed to the place where it is supposed to crap, or that their best friend just made fun of their make-up. Who frickin cares? Yes, I just wait to watch Paula go into a hysteric crying frenzy, or Tommy Lee attempt to go to College. “Yeah right” How much of this is real and how much is a put on? Wait, isn’t Paula on another reality show also, back to my first point about washed up celebrities making a fortune on this type of garbage. But, the public perpetuates this so where there is demand there will be supply.
I am personally feeling real good now because I am just warming up on this whole topic. YEEEE HAAA.
Now we continue on with the stupid “Celebrity Shows”. Yes, you could watch a show with celebrities doing almost anything; dancing, cooking, singing duets, getting fit being moles, rapping. Some of the titles are great and take so much ingenuity. Yes, they all start with Celebrity. It took a genius to figure that out. Every once in a while there might be an A List on the show but most of these are C or D listers who have not been heard about in years. Yes their 15 minutes were up 15 years ago. I guess people have to pay their bills sometimes since most of them squandered their money anyway when they were making it. In looking through some lists the best one was “Celebrity Rehab.” Yep, that’s right we can now watch as some minor star who at one time was a celebrity goes through the DT’s during Rehab and all that. Now sing with me…. “That’s Entertainment”
We all want to see a good contest and it brings out the competitive nature in us. So we are now absolutely infiltrated with Contest Shows. There are contests where you can win money, win a job, win a wife, win a husband and I don’t know what else but there are sure a lot of contests. They either play as individuals or as teams with the ultimate goal of being the last person left. They lie, cheat , steal , betray each other, have fights, have sex, and do whatever it takes to win the ultimate prize of money or whatever. But is that the ultimate prize… NO.. The ultimate prize if that if the people liked them they will be asked to be on more and more shows…. Need I say more than Rob and Amber; like if I really wanted to watch their wedding.
The only reason I have really watched any of the Reality TV shows especially the contest type is to see how hot the women are. Yes it is sexist, but that is me. I want to see how much cleavage I can see on these babes and if they have a nice butt. Then I will root for them to go on to the next week so I can see them again and hope they wear something even more revealing the next week and I can get a nipple glimpse through some sheer fabric. Two good ones to watch if you are looking for cleavage are “Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders” and “Girls Next Door”. I asked my wife what do women look for in the guys on these shows and she said personality. (Then she glanced back at me with a huge smirk on her face)
The most recent trend is the Japanese Style game Show. “I Survived a Japanese Game Show” and “Wipeout”. Yes, I want to see a 400 pound person covered in mud with the crack of their butt showing (or being covered up by a television graphic to make it obvious) on TV. And to think it is on right after dinner. Yes, it is are funny seeing people bounce off big rubber balls into mud or hitting something hard and sliding into the water. Again it shows how desperate some people are to get their 15 minutes no matter how they humiliate themselves.
You know, I can go on and on about all this stuff but it has to end somewhere. So just some random final thoughts:
I was looking through the list of the 605 or so shows and saw one that said” Pantry Raid” this is where they go to someone’s house and make a dinner out of whatever is in their Pantry. I personally think they should have one called Panty Raid which would document the life of college men as they pursue the ultimate Panty Raid in Girls Dorms.
Then I saw it, the music started playing because now I know I had found the ultimate Reality Show as I was glancing through the list.. You got it, the one you just couldn’t miss but got cancelled anyway.
“The Battle of the Network Reality Show Stars”… Need I say more?
If you think about it, the enormity of the popularity of these types of shows it is utterly ridiculous. There are entire Websites totally dedicated to reviewing each episode of every single reality type show that has ever come across the screen or proposed to come across the screen. On one website it lists every single reality show and I counted a total of 605 although my number may be wrong and most of these have been produced since 2000. Wow, tells you a lot about our society. People get entertainment out of watching other people in most cases make total fools of themselves and losing their own self respect for sometimes not much money at all unless they actually win a prize.
You can say that the old TV Game Shows like “What’s My Line” and stuff like that were really the early predecessors of today’s total saturation of television with these types of nonsense shows. Those shows in my eyes were fun, innocent and clean and I really think the pure game show will always have a place on TV.
This all started to explode when the writers went on strike one year and the networks had to come up with some stuff to fill time slots without boring all of us with reruns forever…. So, let’s get some people together and put them in the middle of frickin nowhere on a island to play stupid games and argue with each other, and vote people off until we have one left….. and then let’s give them a bunch of money. Then when they are done with this show, they can get on another show so to keep their 15 minutes of fame running and running and running. That’s right, there are a lot of reality TV Show participant whores, and they just go from one show to another to another. That’s not only with the contest type shows but also what I call the self promoting shows and especially true with C and D list celebrities. (However on a personal note I do love Kathy Griffin- fellow Chicago person and I am not Gay)
Actually, there are all types and kinds of reality shows that are on network and cable channels with some being interesting and others just plain frickin stupid.
Let’s start with what are really close to documentaries in episodes, these I can’t really make fun of because they are the ones I enjoy the most. Shows like Deadliest Catch, Ice Road Truckers. I am cool with those because you actually see a type of life that you would not experience otherwise. I guess they are now trying to differentiate themselves a bit by calling themselves a different genre which is not reality but actuality.
Next on my descending scale of coolness are the shows like Mythbusters, Dirty Jobs, etc.. These are also good in my book because you can actually learn things from these shows although the hosts and co-hosts are somewhat eccentric and stunts can be funny, all in all I do not think they insult the intelligence of the average American as do the others types which will be coming up shortly.
I tried to come up with a name for the next group and all I could come up with were “Self Help Shows”. You know stuff like “The Nanny” where a British accented lady shows us that we do not know how to control or raise our own kids and she has to do it for the people on the show. Personally I would like to see a show called “Nanny” where a hot 20 year old co-ed seduces the husband of the family she is working for. “Oh wait, that is on the movie channels in hotels”
Ok, now we start to get to the good stuff (in my eyes because I can make so much fun of the crap I am going to be writing about next) let’s start off with what I call The Self Promotion Show. You may say “What?” You know what I am talking about, this is a washed up celebrity or family or something like that that decides to have cameras follow them around to see what they do during the course of a day. These are shows like ”The Ashley Simpson Show”, “Being Bobby Brown”, “Tommy Lee Goes to College”, “Hey Paula”, etc. Who really frickin cares? A whole bunch of people evidently. They keep making more and more of this crap. Is this real life for these people of the shows, I seriously doubt it; some of it has to be put on because they are being followed by frickin cameras everywhere they go. I don’t know about you, but when a camera is on me at home or anywhere I tend to ham it up a bit. I normally will give a thumbs up or the finger or something to the camera. Yep, I am 100% sure this is really a chronicle of their real life. . .. NOT... But really who cares what the frick they do, I do not and don’t care to see people who make tons more money than I can ever imagine making crying on TV over the fact that their pet poodle took a crap in their yard as opposed to the place where it is supposed to crap, or that their best friend just made fun of their make-up. Who frickin cares? Yes, I just wait to watch Paula go into a hysteric crying frenzy, or Tommy Lee attempt to go to College. “Yeah right” How much of this is real and how much is a put on? Wait, isn’t Paula on another reality show also, back to my first point about washed up celebrities making a fortune on this type of garbage. But, the public perpetuates this so where there is demand there will be supply.
I am personally feeling real good now because I am just warming up on this whole topic. YEEEE HAAA.
Now we continue on with the stupid “Celebrity Shows”. Yes, you could watch a show with celebrities doing almost anything; dancing, cooking, singing duets, getting fit being moles, rapping. Some of the titles are great and take so much ingenuity. Yes, they all start with Celebrity. It took a genius to figure that out. Every once in a while there might be an A List on the show but most of these are C or D listers who have not been heard about in years. Yes their 15 minutes were up 15 years ago. I guess people have to pay their bills sometimes since most of them squandered their money anyway when they were making it. In looking through some lists the best one was “Celebrity Rehab.” Yep, that’s right we can now watch as some minor star who at one time was a celebrity goes through the DT’s during Rehab and all that. Now sing with me…. “That’s Entertainment”
We all want to see a good contest and it brings out the competitive nature in us. So we are now absolutely infiltrated with Contest Shows. There are contests where you can win money, win a job, win a wife, win a husband and I don’t know what else but there are sure a lot of contests. They either play as individuals or as teams with the ultimate goal of being the last person left. They lie, cheat , steal , betray each other, have fights, have sex, and do whatever it takes to win the ultimate prize of money or whatever. But is that the ultimate prize… NO.. The ultimate prize if that if the people liked them they will be asked to be on more and more shows…. Need I say more than Rob and Amber; like if I really wanted to watch their wedding.
The only reason I have really watched any of the Reality TV shows especially the contest type is to see how hot the women are. Yes it is sexist, but that is me. I want to see how much cleavage I can see on these babes and if they have a nice butt. Then I will root for them to go on to the next week so I can see them again and hope they wear something even more revealing the next week and I can get a nipple glimpse through some sheer fabric. Two good ones to watch if you are looking for cleavage are “Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders” and “Girls Next Door”. I asked my wife what do women look for in the guys on these shows and she said personality. (Then she glanced back at me with a huge smirk on her face)
The most recent trend is the Japanese Style game Show. “I Survived a Japanese Game Show” and “Wipeout”. Yes, I want to see a 400 pound person covered in mud with the crack of their butt showing (or being covered up by a television graphic to make it obvious) on TV. And to think it is on right after dinner. Yes, it is are funny seeing people bounce off big rubber balls into mud or hitting something hard and sliding into the water. Again it shows how desperate some people are to get their 15 minutes no matter how they humiliate themselves.
You know, I can go on and on about all this stuff but it has to end somewhere. So just some random final thoughts:
I was looking through the list of the 605 or so shows and saw one that said” Pantry Raid” this is where they go to someone’s house and make a dinner out of whatever is in their Pantry. I personally think they should have one called Panty Raid which would document the life of college men as they pursue the ultimate Panty Raid in Girls Dorms.
Then I saw it, the music started playing because now I know I had found the ultimate Reality Show as I was glancing through the list.. You got it, the one you just couldn’t miss but got cancelled anyway.
“The Battle of the Network Reality Show Stars”… Need I say more?
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