No one had written down any suggestions this week so I thought initially that I would be a smart ass and write on nothing. What is nothing; nothing is simply the absence of lack of anything.
So I started to do a bit of research on nothing by looking up nothing on Google. I sat there and I typed nothing into my Google bar. By nothing I mean that I did not type anything and I left it completely blank since as I said above that nothing is the absence or lack of anything. Well I hit my return button and entering nothing into the Google tool bar and do you know what happened. It gave me a page on Google with some basic info saying Google is now 10 and another search box to enter a subject in.
I will get back to that in a second but if you think about it, I got something for nothing although it was not anything much it still was some kind of page that I got for entering nothing into the Google bar. I had always been told that you can’t get something for nothing but I personally have proved that theory to be wrong. Yes that is right for nothing I got a Google Page with some info on it. So this new Google page that said Google is now 10 had another empty space to write your subject into and 2 categories underneath. One said Google Search and the other said “I’m feeling lucky”. I hit the regular Google search with nothing written in the toolbar and the same exact page came back. So this time I did get nothing for nothing. I decided that I was feeling lucky so hit that button after entering nothing in the toolbar and I got back a page that basically told me that what the I’m feeling lucky button can do is to return the first article in the search of whatever I was looking for. But since I was looking for nothing it did give me something back other than the nothing I was looking for. But if you enter nothing again into that page the same page comes back so you again get nothing from nothing.
That reminds me of the Billy Preston song “Nothing from Nothing leaves Nothing”. People have been writing songs and stuff about nothing for years. Metallica wrote “Nothing else Matters”. The Jerry Seinfeld show was a show about nothing.
OK now that I had done the Google experiment, I decided to try Yahoo search. I went to the Yahoo Main Page and again entered nothing. A different page came up with now just an entry slot for a new term. So I entered nothing again and the same page came up. It is coincidence or what that when I entered nothing on both Google and Yahoo that at first something came up and then nothing came up.
OK, what was the point of that whole exercise? Yep, you got it, absolutely nothing. There was No point.
So now, my curiosity is raging and I went back to the Google Home page and actually typed in the letters “nothing” and hit the enter button. There were 750,000,000 results that had something remotely to do with nothing. Now that’s a whole lot of nothing and shows that many people think and write about nothing all the time. At least 750,000,000 times. Now of course things get more irrelevant as we go deeper and deeper into the pages of any web search so I only looked about 3 pages deep before my interest in nothing began to dwindle down to nothing.
I could go through the list of some of the more interesting results on nothing but I will leave that to you the next you have nothing to do.
I am tired of writing about nothing now so I am going to take a rest and do nothing the rest of the day.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Grumbling Stomachs
I was sitting at my computer this morning and all of a sudden my stomach started grumbling. You know what I mean, that kind of churning noise coming from within. That noise that keeps on going and going and going just like the freaking Energizer Bunny.
Where does it come from and why does it happen? I have always been told that you’re hungry because that is your stomach talking to you. But it happens at different and also sometimes the most inopportune times. OK for the most often I will concede that it happens if I am hungry at almost any time. But why does it always seem to happen when you are sitting in the chair at a doctor or the dentist office. This has happened to me on numerous occasions and you just want to get up and hide. But is this an internal noise that we just hear because it is in our bodies or is it a noise like passing gas that everyone can hear. My guess is that everyone hears it and thinks why didn’t this stupid guy eat something today, or what the hell is wrong with him, is his stomach going to explode in my office, better get him the heck out of here fast.
I really think this happens because your body just wants to screw with your mind. It may be that you haven’t eaten yet, but your body says I am going to get back at this SOB for not feeding me and embarrass him in front of the dentist and his hot assistant and everyone within a one mile radius that will be able to hear this. This will teach this dumbass guy to feed me on a regular schedule.
And there are two different types of stomach grumblings, there is the nosiy grumbling when you have to eat as opposed to the churning and grumbling your stomach makes when you have to take a dump. Now I think the dump one is silent and it is just your body’s way of telling you that a bomb is going to go off soon from within your body and you better find a place to sit down fast or else once again it will embarrass you by crapping all over yourself. It still all has to do with food because it makes the noises of stomach grumbling if you feed it and it also churns and grumbles when you possibly have eaten the wrong thing that your body did not like.
Lastly, there is the ultimate embarrassing body noise, yes, you got it, the fart. But I just won’t go there with the description of the loud ripping noises that can echo throughout a crowd or the disgusting smell of the built up toxic gasses within our bodies. Sometimes they are sneak attacks and we did not know one was going to scoot out, and at other times we know one is coming but can’t do anything about it. Men have a much easier time I think with letting one rip in public; especially boys who tend to make a game out of whose can smell the worst. Most of the worst ones I have experienced have been by boys or men. I just do not think women fart in public, they hold them in until they can get to a bathroom because that is the lady like thing to do. Men just do what comes natural and let em rip. I just laugh and think of the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles and all the embarrassing moments that the body has pulled on me. Oh well.
Oops, Guess I briefly went there anyway. Have a great day!!
Where does it come from and why does it happen? I have always been told that you’re hungry because that is your stomach talking to you. But it happens at different and also sometimes the most inopportune times. OK for the most often I will concede that it happens if I am hungry at almost any time. But why does it always seem to happen when you are sitting in the chair at a doctor or the dentist office. This has happened to me on numerous occasions and you just want to get up and hide. But is this an internal noise that we just hear because it is in our bodies or is it a noise like passing gas that everyone can hear. My guess is that everyone hears it and thinks why didn’t this stupid guy eat something today, or what the hell is wrong with him, is his stomach going to explode in my office, better get him the heck out of here fast.
I really think this happens because your body just wants to screw with your mind. It may be that you haven’t eaten yet, but your body says I am going to get back at this SOB for not feeding me and embarrass him in front of the dentist and his hot assistant and everyone within a one mile radius that will be able to hear this. This will teach this dumbass guy to feed me on a regular schedule.
And there are two different types of stomach grumblings, there is the nosiy grumbling when you have to eat as opposed to the churning and grumbling your stomach makes when you have to take a dump. Now I think the dump one is silent and it is just your body’s way of telling you that a bomb is going to go off soon from within your body and you better find a place to sit down fast or else once again it will embarrass you by crapping all over yourself. It still all has to do with food because it makes the noises of stomach grumbling if you feed it and it also churns and grumbles when you possibly have eaten the wrong thing that your body did not like.
Lastly, there is the ultimate embarrassing body noise, yes, you got it, the fart. But I just won’t go there with the description of the loud ripping noises that can echo throughout a crowd or the disgusting smell of the built up toxic gasses within our bodies. Sometimes they are sneak attacks and we did not know one was going to scoot out, and at other times we know one is coming but can’t do anything about it. Men have a much easier time I think with letting one rip in public; especially boys who tend to make a game out of whose can smell the worst. Most of the worst ones I have experienced have been by boys or men. I just do not think women fart in public, they hold them in until they can get to a bathroom because that is the lady like thing to do. Men just do what comes natural and let em rip. I just laugh and think of the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles and all the embarrassing moments that the body has pulled on me. Oh well.
Oops, Guess I briefly went there anyway. Have a great day!!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
On Patience by Children
They say patience is a virtue. Then what is impatience? I’ll tell you… it is a pain in the ass. If you have ever ordered anything that will arrive via mail, UPS, Fed-Ex, or Mule Express for a child who knew that you had ordered this you probably know exactly what I mean.
It is 100% coincidental, but I had stopped writing for about ½ hour to do some stuff around the house. Just as I was going to start writing again my son came into my office to ask about something we ordered off of e-bay on Saturday and the conversation went like this.
Son: Did they email you yet? Dad: They sent a confirmation that they received our payment.
Son: Did it ship yet? Dad: Probably not because yesterday was Saturday.
Son: Why not? Dad: They just don’t ship on Saturdays
Son: Will they ship tomorrow? How will they ship? Dad: Probably, and by mail
Son: So when will it get here? Dad: Wednesday or Thursday
Son: Why so long? Dad: Go to bed.
As you all know this is just the beginning because there will be questions every day until it comes about why it hasn’t come yet and pouting because it did not get here by Wednesday because I said it may be here by Wednesday. The UPS driver, Mailperson or Fed-ex driver will be cursed out in 14 year old language because it is their entire fault it is not here yet. And watch out if it does not come by Thursday because there will be temper tantrums all over again.
But why don’t they know how to be patient? The inevitable answer is that we have trained them from early on to be impatient when it comes to getting things. Just think of all the pestering that happens around Christmas when they know there is that gift coming from Santa. Is Santa here yet as they stay up all night in anticipation of the little old fat guy in the red suit bringing them their whatever they wished for on the department stores Santa’s lap. Well, you can open one of Grandma’s gifts tonight and Santa will be here in the morning. So they open that present and still whine for the Santa present.
Think of the other examples; birthday presents, the Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy… blah, blah, blah.
How do we teach them to be patient? I think new have to be deviant and think up of ways that will teach them to wait. Here are a few examples:
Did it ship yet? No, it will not ship until one month from now because they have to make some more.
Why didn’t it come today? Yeah, forgot to tell you the delivery guy called and he accidentally ran over your thing with his truck. They have to reorder and it will be here next week.
Will it deliver tomorrow? Only if the truck driver does not stop at his girlfriends overnight. That would cause him to miss tomorrow delivery.
Take the delivery and hide the merchandise. Then keep giving excuses for a few days until your patience finally runs out with them and you finally give them the thingamajigger that you ordered.
Refuse to order anything ever again!!
Yeah right
Then wait for the next time you do order for it to start all over again.
It is 100% coincidental, but I had stopped writing for about ½ hour to do some stuff around the house. Just as I was going to start writing again my son came into my office to ask about something we ordered off of e-bay on Saturday and the conversation went like this.
Son: Did they email you yet? Dad: They sent a confirmation that they received our payment.
Son: Did it ship yet? Dad: Probably not because yesterday was Saturday.
Son: Why not? Dad: They just don’t ship on Saturdays
Son: Will they ship tomorrow? How will they ship? Dad: Probably, and by mail
Son: So when will it get here? Dad: Wednesday or Thursday
Son: Why so long? Dad: Go to bed.
As you all know this is just the beginning because there will be questions every day until it comes about why it hasn’t come yet and pouting because it did not get here by Wednesday because I said it may be here by Wednesday. The UPS driver, Mailperson or Fed-ex driver will be cursed out in 14 year old language because it is their entire fault it is not here yet. And watch out if it does not come by Thursday because there will be temper tantrums all over again.
But why don’t they know how to be patient? The inevitable answer is that we have trained them from early on to be impatient when it comes to getting things. Just think of all the pestering that happens around Christmas when they know there is that gift coming from Santa. Is Santa here yet as they stay up all night in anticipation of the little old fat guy in the red suit bringing them their whatever they wished for on the department stores Santa’s lap. Well, you can open one of Grandma’s gifts tonight and Santa will be here in the morning. So they open that present and still whine for the Santa present.
Think of the other examples; birthday presents, the Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy… blah, blah, blah.
How do we teach them to be patient? I think new have to be deviant and think up of ways that will teach them to wait. Here are a few examples:
Did it ship yet? No, it will not ship until one month from now because they have to make some more.
Why didn’t it come today? Yeah, forgot to tell you the delivery guy called and he accidentally ran over your thing with his truck. They have to reorder and it will be here next week.
Will it deliver tomorrow? Only if the truck driver does not stop at his girlfriends overnight. That would cause him to miss tomorrow delivery.
Take the delivery and hide the merchandise. Then keep giving excuses for a few days until your patience finally runs out with them and you finally give them the thingamajigger that you ordered.
Refuse to order anything ever again!!
Yeah right
Then wait for the next time you do order for it to start all over again.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Thoughts on Dating
Wow, what a topic to be given to write about….Where to even start and how to get into it. My only regret in being asked to write on this is the varied audience that may read this so having to keep it less graphic kind of dilutes how funny this really could be but here I go anyway.
This could take many different avenues and I have not yet decided which path to take. Do I take this on a personal route going through the rigors of dating while growing up as a geek in Chicago, through my college days, young adulthood, adulthood and eventual marriage? If I did it that way there would be several good and somewhat embarrassing stories which dependent upon who was reading this could eventually lead into lawsuits for defamation of character by even mentioning the fact that this person or that person was in any way associated with me in my geekhood or had any type of relationship at all which could be totally demoralizing to their character and possible could end in the total destruction of their current relationship(s). Why would this lead to the destruction of relationships? Well in one of two ways, their current partner could be totally ashamed of the fact of association or on the other hand and most likely that they had dated such an extraordinary human being and they could not live up to my standards and reputation. Well, anyway, enough about me as I have not decided to go in this direction.
What is dating? Well in a sense of definition it is described as any social activity performed as a pair or even a group with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as their partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse... The word refers to the act of agreeing on a time and "date" when a pair can meet and engage in some social activity. (Source Wikipedia)
That is a lot to take in, accessing, suitability, intimacy, engaging activities, eventual marriage, and on and on and on. It all starts at an early age….yes your right and you thought the days of parent arranging dates were over or just reserved for third world countries. Parents begin this activity for their toddler children at very early ages by arranging play dates with other children. This begins the total socialization process which will last the rest of their lives. But what about the lingering effects of the meddling parent by arranging these play dates? What if Suzy does not want to play with Tommy because she prefers to play with Sally because of her innate instinct to gravitate toward girls? Suzy will be even more suppressed as she goes on into the world until she eventually comes out of the closet sometime in her twenties? OK now, enough of my cynicism. But realistically think of the various different types of dating that takes place throughout one’s life and the differences between the types of dates and ages of the participants. Although somewhat overstated it does start with the scenario as listed above.
Teenage Dating: What can we say here but hormones, hormones, hormones? It starts with they like each other but are afraid to talk with the other person and who knows where it eventually ends up. Group dates are the way they mask us into believing it is all innocent. They hang out with the same group and go places but they all like each other, eventually they pair off into their couples. The next step is then double dating… now the group has whittled down to 2 couples and neither will squeal on the other as to what is going on or tell parent anything but we know better because we were teens once too….. I want to get into my details but then again this is read by a variety of age groups so….. Not to give any ideas I must refrain from the good stuff. Next thing you know, they are 16 and the car dates begin. Need I say more except do not listen to any songs by Meatloaf. I guess it is just to be left up to good old condom sense. Oh yes and then we go into Proms…. Need I say more?
Early adulthood: Just regular dating, but remember ourselves and how many dates one can go on in a night. Never, lure yourself into the sense that you are in a committed relationship if the date begins at 7PM and you are home and going out with your buddies by 11:00 PM. She is not at home but out on another date and that is the guy who is getting lucky that night not you. Oh yes, we all have been fooled but how long can that go on. Confront them and you will never get another date, try to get the late date and if there are always excuses move on because as we all know there are way too many opportunities that were squandered than deals that went through. Yes I am just rambling now but what more can I say and really keep it clean.
Blind Dates: We have all been through these where a friend sets you up with a friend they have told you about and then you decide to meet them. Personally I had only a couple of bad blind dates, but the horror stories are there. You basically are there to access the other person and see if there is compatibility. Well, wait that is it for any type of date isn’t it. That is the first date is a get to know you, the second date is more of the same to see if you really get along. The third date the most critical date for a guy that is if we don’t get anywhere here it is out the door and move on the next one. Make this a late date; if it is to be an early date don’t bother at all. Have to remember still young and the drive is always there.
This can go on and on and on…. But remember that the circle of life always will take us back to the beginning and that as we grow older that Senior Dating was supposed to be like the innocent group dates of our early teen years dating for companionship. For those of us reading with elderly parents who are dating again let me end this whole essay with one word which will bring you the ultimate peace of mind. VIAGRA.
This could take many different avenues and I have not yet decided which path to take. Do I take this on a personal route going through the rigors of dating while growing up as a geek in Chicago, through my college days, young adulthood, adulthood and eventual marriage? If I did it that way there would be several good and somewhat embarrassing stories which dependent upon who was reading this could eventually lead into lawsuits for defamation of character by even mentioning the fact that this person or that person was in any way associated with me in my geekhood or had any type of relationship at all which could be totally demoralizing to their character and possible could end in the total destruction of their current relationship(s). Why would this lead to the destruction of relationships? Well in one of two ways, their current partner could be totally ashamed of the fact of association or on the other hand and most likely that they had dated such an extraordinary human being and they could not live up to my standards and reputation. Well, anyway, enough about me as I have not decided to go in this direction.
What is dating? Well in a sense of definition it is described as any social activity performed as a pair or even a group with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as their partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse... The word refers to the act of agreeing on a time and "date" when a pair can meet and engage in some social activity. (Source Wikipedia)
That is a lot to take in, accessing, suitability, intimacy, engaging activities, eventual marriage, and on and on and on. It all starts at an early age….yes your right and you thought the days of parent arranging dates were over or just reserved for third world countries. Parents begin this activity for their toddler children at very early ages by arranging play dates with other children. This begins the total socialization process which will last the rest of their lives. But what about the lingering effects of the meddling parent by arranging these play dates? What if Suzy does not want to play with Tommy because she prefers to play with Sally because of her innate instinct to gravitate toward girls? Suzy will be even more suppressed as she goes on into the world until she eventually comes out of the closet sometime in her twenties? OK now, enough of my cynicism. But realistically think of the various different types of dating that takes place throughout one’s life and the differences between the types of dates and ages of the participants. Although somewhat overstated it does start with the scenario as listed above.
Teenage Dating: What can we say here but hormones, hormones, hormones? It starts with they like each other but are afraid to talk with the other person and who knows where it eventually ends up. Group dates are the way they mask us into believing it is all innocent. They hang out with the same group and go places but they all like each other, eventually they pair off into their couples. The next step is then double dating… now the group has whittled down to 2 couples and neither will squeal on the other as to what is going on or tell parent anything but we know better because we were teens once too….. I want to get into my details but then again this is read by a variety of age groups so….. Not to give any ideas I must refrain from the good stuff. Next thing you know, they are 16 and the car dates begin. Need I say more except do not listen to any songs by Meatloaf. I guess it is just to be left up to good old condom sense. Oh yes and then we go into Proms…. Need I say more?
Early adulthood: Just regular dating, but remember ourselves and how many dates one can go on in a night. Never, lure yourself into the sense that you are in a committed relationship if the date begins at 7PM and you are home and going out with your buddies by 11:00 PM. She is not at home but out on another date and that is the guy who is getting lucky that night not you. Oh yes, we all have been fooled but how long can that go on. Confront them and you will never get another date, try to get the late date and if there are always excuses move on because as we all know there are way too many opportunities that were squandered than deals that went through. Yes I am just rambling now but what more can I say and really keep it clean.
Blind Dates: We have all been through these where a friend sets you up with a friend they have told you about and then you decide to meet them. Personally I had only a couple of bad blind dates, but the horror stories are there. You basically are there to access the other person and see if there is compatibility. Well, wait that is it for any type of date isn’t it. That is the first date is a get to know you, the second date is more of the same to see if you really get along. The third date the most critical date for a guy that is if we don’t get anywhere here it is out the door and move on the next one. Make this a late date; if it is to be an early date don’t bother at all. Have to remember still young and the drive is always there.
This can go on and on and on…. But remember that the circle of life always will take us back to the beginning and that as we grow older that Senior Dating was supposed to be like the innocent group dates of our early teen years dating for companionship. For those of us reading with elderly parents who are dating again let me end this whole essay with one word which will bring you the ultimate peace of mind. VIAGRA.
14 year old temper tantrums
It all began back in 1994 when I was shopping for a new mattress. I went from store to store to store and could not find anything that felt comfortable. I tried to lay down in the beds but people in the store got pissed because when I was trying them I was always with a girl and you know one thing would lead to another although we never did lose our clothes. Anyway in one store I found that the best bed for me and my shadows was a kind they called a temperpedic. The store that had the temperpedic was out of stock so I kept looking and looking going from store to store to find the exact one that was best and could not effin find any in my city, so then I went from city to city and finally started to get upset . Then my friend Sam told me that his store sold them but they were a club... So I went to this guy Sam’s Club and was told that they did not have a temperpedic but did have a tempered steel tanning bed. I laid down in the bed and did get a great tan. If you hit the side a the tanning bed a certain way it made a hollow sound like a drum......I played and played my home made drum on that tanning bed..... And for 14 years it has be my tempered tandrum.........
What do you want to hear about??
MUSINGS FROM THE MIND OF A MINION.
My writing is inspired by the recent writings of one of my friends. i figured why not start my creative process going once again. A little about my comedic style is that I was formally trained in Improvisation at several training centers in Chicago including Jo Forsberg Players Workshop and The Second City Training Center and have performed in various thetrical projects and Improvisational Comedy Groups but not in a while with the last group be Improvision in Charlotte, NC back in the mid 90's... So the first few may be a bit rusty but I think I still have the old never so no attitude that should make this funny if not hysterical at times. I will try to wing almost any topic and hopefully make it enjoyable. This will be the wirtten version of talk on any topic for 5 minutes...
So here is the format. You tell me what you want me to write about in the comments section of the most recent blog post. Now granted it probably will not make much sense and will most likely be 100% pure BS but I will write something on whatever topics are suggested through your comments on this space. I hopefully will be able to address all and will make it amusing. Let's keep the topics clean and also I prefer not to comment on religion or politics either..... it is amazing what can be funny. Make up a scenarion for a story, give me a topic... whatever...this will be for all's enjoyment. Also feed back will be much appreciated
My writing is inspired by the recent writings of one of my friends. i figured why not start my creative process going once again. A little about my comedic style is that I was formally trained in Improvisation at several training centers in Chicago including Jo Forsberg Players Workshop and The Second City Training Center and have performed in various thetrical projects and Improvisational Comedy Groups but not in a while with the last group be Improvision in Charlotte, NC back in the mid 90's... So the first few may be a bit rusty but I think I still have the old never so no attitude that should make this funny if not hysterical at times. I will try to wing almost any topic and hopefully make it enjoyable. This will be the wirtten version of talk on any topic for 5 minutes...
So here is the format. You tell me what you want me to write about in the comments section of the most recent blog post. Now granted it probably will not make much sense and will most likely be 100% pure BS but I will write something on whatever topics are suggested through your comments on this space. I hopefully will be able to address all and will make it amusing. Let's keep the topics clean and also I prefer not to comment on religion or politics either..... it is amazing what can be funny. Make up a scenarion for a story, give me a topic... whatever...this will be for all's enjoyment. Also feed back will be much appreciated
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